You Think Too Much! A life of thought…and some thoughts on life.

The phone call that changed my life also left me reeling and numb - the unthinkable had happened - my mom had been murdered, half a world away. Dealing with loss of a loved one in any circumstance is hard…even when you expect it to happen from a long-drawn illness, but a sudden unjustified blow like this was hard to wrap your mind around. What happened and everything that followed also gave me an interesting insight into how people react and behave when confronted with the losses of others. Some of the condolences and acknowledgements were quite heartfelt and didn’t involve much, yet left a lasting impression…and others were a downright amusing reminder of the fragile, superficial world we sometimes live in. Some of the interesting categories of people I’ve had the dis / pleasure of encountering…

• The Advisors: These are people who’ve experienced loss themselves and are wonderful at sharing their experiences and offering advice on how to handle emotion, duty and time to come. The reaction is usually that of ‘being in the know’ and may border on self-indulgence, often forgetting about the actual situation (and a different person…not them) at hand.
• The Companions: True friends that stick by you and offer you company and solace, even when nothing can or needs to be said. Often the best kind. It’s normal for humans to feel unworthy or incapable of doing anything important or useful in the midst of such pain and trauma…yet the best relationships are still built on just ‘being there’ when needed most. Words sometime just don’t work.
• The Hallmark Collection: The kings and queens of cliche. Send a greeting card and flowers. Look up a good poem or phrase on the Internet. Say “Everything will be ok” or “She is in a better place”…or “I know how you feel”. Hope you don’t have to get too close to the situation to actually get your hands dirty with any real emotions and feelings.
• The Religious Fanatics: On average, the worst kind. I believe in God but I’ve never been big on religion, however I do believe everyone has the right to define and live their own faith, as long as they don’t enroach on other peoples spiritual freedom. Some true gems here too, the ones who genuinely believe but offer support, solace and time without drawing judgement and forcing heaven and hell down the mourner’s throat. My mom was big on charity, social work and helped various religious organizations without pledging allegiance to any particular one, so we had quite a few fanatics to deal with. One that still stands out in my mind (and one that really hurt)… we attended a tribute one particular group had organized in my mom’s memory and I was asked to say a few words to the group… one particular woman, big on vegetarianism as their faith dictated, asked me if I was vegan. Replying in the negative, she asked me to remember how my mom must have felt when she was murdered (drawing comparison, of course, to the animals that suffered to adorn our dinner plates)…and then consider becoming a vegan. Not that I needed a reminder of that suffering of course, but this was the work of a true artiste. Specialty? Hitting below the belt. Often fanatics of any kind get so riled up in proving a point or recruiting another follower that they forget the principles their beliefs were founded on and the needs of the situation / person they are dealing with. Sad.
• The SSDD Group: Same Shit Different Day. Hey, someone died (wasn’t me or someone I need). Something to talk about at lunch - perhaps a little sensationalism in a jaded, mundane urban existance. You look and move along - life is busy and there’s too much to do, after all. Perhaps say Sorry and hope you appear like you actually mean it. A part of this group makes every effort to avoid the issue and hope it doesn’t come up despite the fact and screw their day. One step ahead of the Hallmark group in attaining superficiality in it’s most glorious form.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m no one to say what’s right and what’s wrong. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, influenced by the experiences they’ve had in their lifetime, their relationship with the person they lost, culture, their emotional maturity and what they want out of life. And people who offer their condolences may respond or fit into one or more of the above groups… some are not good at expressing their emotions and prefer to write (and do a good job of it). It’s also true that there’s enough suffering in the world to keep you busy for many lifetimes should you want to share that sort of grief… no one can. But perhaps we can learn from our own losses and realize how certain reactions made us feel, so we can avoid the hurtful and superficial. Sometimes it helps just to ask…”I realize you’re going through incredible hurt right now…what can I do? Just ask. Anything. I’m here for you”

It doesn’t take a whole lot to comfort those who’ve experienced loss. You just need to be human. A touch. A kind word from the heart. Companionship and time. That’s all it takes.